things i'm thinking about

vol. 20

I Hate Hard Work

I feel a bit at odds with myself. I reenrolled in university in 2024 when I finally figured out how to be a writer and an overly curious loser: I could just be a journalist!

But I am so scared. Scared of doing something wrong, and being judged for it. Not judged out loud, but in the passive opinions of people I don’t even really care about.

And I’m terrified of saying something and it being “wrong.” Or, of saying it, but someone else saying it louder, with more confidence. And maybe they should get the credit because why am I so cowardly?

I know what I want to do with my life. I want to get my fucking degree. I want to write and be paid for that work. I want to live in Boston, where things actually happen and where buildings are taller than seven stories.

But what if I’m not good enough? What if it would just be better for me to stop trying and do the thing that I can do just enough and make a living wage and live in a studio apartment and leave dreaming for people who have a little more confidence in what they are doing.

I don’t ever want to stop writing, but there is simply so much. Everyone is a writer, everyone has a Substack, everyone has a novel, everyone is getting a movie deal. Part of me loves the state of the publishing industry at the moment, because if some of the slop that gets put out gets published, surely I can.

But the larger part of me says, “God, I better just stop. I’m only ever going to be a drop in a bucket.” I have such aspirations of grandeur that I cannot even contend with myself if I do not win the fucking Nobel.

I want praise. Constantly. I thrive off someone telling me I’m doing a good job. And if I can get that daily at my 9-5, should I even risk putting myself out there? Because there are no guarantees that my work will be liked, or even tolerated. And I would rather live a life of mediocrity, then try and fail.

Wayne Gretzky, as quoted by Michael Scott, said “You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”

But I say, “You can’t miss if you don’t shoot.”

what i’ve been loving lately:

on the turntable: when the pawn by fiona apple has been my go to lately!

on the bookshelf: the gate of the feral gods by matt dinniman (working thru dcc series) and why we swim by bonnie tsui

on the big screen: i must be honest. i think i’ve watched one movie this year? it’s a goal to get more into it, but i usually just end up watching youtube…